Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, and Sexual Abuse, Finding Healing Through Writing

Before anyone begins reading my experiences, I want to say a few things. A disclaimer of sorts. You must take note that I love my dad, stepmom, and brother. I know that they love me in their own special ways. I want there to be no doubts about that in anyone’s mind as they read these samples of my life. I am in no way trying to blame them for anything, or disrespect them in any way, shape, or form. Do not lower your opinions of them, in fact raise your opinions. Through the events you will see in my life, they managed to raise a God-fearing, law-abiding adult. We all make mistakes as parents, I understand this more now that I am a parent myself, so again, do not disrespect my family. I apologize to anyone who may feel hurt by this project, I do not intend to hurt anyone. My only aim is to help myself and any readers heal.

In no way am I asking for anyone’s pity through all of this, far from it. Respect me for finally getting the courage to begin this healing process. Anyone going through emotional agony for similar events, or any event in their life, know you are not alone. If we unite and stand together as a society, we can help each other through these times. Feel free to cry, laugh, and more importantly, to forgive the ones who have done you wrong. I can honestly say that this is a major struggle for me, forgiveness does not come easy. I have not fully forgiven all who have caused hurt, but it is my goal to someday do so. This project should be a big step towards forgiveness and healing.

Do not think that this is an easy thing for me to do, it is being done out of necessity more so than anything. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I am admitting my faults, my brokenness, and my need for emotional rebuilding. I hope that you can all get something good out reading this and come out of this with a better understanding of who I really am, and an even better understanding of humanity as a whole. My goal is to assist every reader in providing insight into their own lives.

Please note that many of these snippets of my life are the memories of a child, so they may be distorted or foggy. To protect those involved I will be changing names. Also note that this is one person’s viewpoint (I can’t possibly be everyone), so please forgive any discrepancies. Some of the stories may be in different orders, or my age estimates may be slightly off, I apologize in advance for this, I can only remember so well and with my current pain condition, it impacts my memory more and more every year. We may go back a little to do overlaps, this is an attempt at focusing on one area at a time, so if we overlap it is to suggest that the event timings were the same. Sorry if this annoys you, it is to make things less confusing for all readers.

Thank you in advance for your support and for reading this.

I mentioned love earlier. I should note that I also love my mother in some strange way, despite all the pain that she has caused me and continues to cause. My half-brother, I love dearly though after cutting my mother out of my life for the pure sake of toxicity, I no longer get to speak to him, and that one stings. 

For me, the one constant in my life has always been reading and writing. I know as a Christian, I should say that God had always been my one constant, and this is true, HE HAS BEEN, it is my own relationship with Him that has been full of ups and downs. He led me to writing and reading. When I read books, I was taken away from all of my pain and sorrow. I could escape into a reality that worked out and had a resolution by the end. I began reading full on novels by grade three, westerns, Hardy Boys, Narnia, and so many more. Every single book gave me that chance to be someone else so long as my nose was stuck in that book. Storms may roll and thunder may sound in my life, but all was calm inside those pages. This led to my taking up writing as well. Novel writing, poetry, it didn’t matter which, I could pour my heart onto pages and once again escape my past. The tears and scars could be gone for a short time. I just knew that somehow things were going to be alright if I could just stick to the pages before me. As you will see later on, in future articles, this was only a band-aid for what was really happening inside of me.

When you read my future articles, you will see that I have been molested not once but twice, by people that I trusted growing up. I was emotionally tormented by my own mother, her friends, her boyfriends, and suffered with abandonment issues as a result of what she put me through. I was also physically abused by one of her boyfriends. This all left me confused and hurt from a very young age. I felt things and knew things about life that no child should know or have any grasp on things like this even existing. I should have been able to go about and just be an innocent child with no cares in life besides when that ice cream truck was coming by next. Yet that is not the reality that I faced and sadly, it is not the reality of many children out there. I understand that many of you will know the same pain and will have experienced that same type of trauma. Knowing this saddens me, yet it also provides some peace in knowing that I am not alone. Out there, thousands of others really do understand what I went through. For those who know me, they can hear about these things, but most can’t really grasp just what it means on a personal and emotional level. I hope that by my sharing what happened in future articles, that it can bring some level of healing to the readers.

The goal here is healing. Solace. Peace. Depression and suicide are constant battles that I must face, along with many others who know similar trauma in their own lives. Together we can be strong and unite to find a better way through the blows that life has dealt us. There is no shame in what happened. These things are not our faults, and you must know that and truly believe that truth. Some things in life are beyond our control, we must focus on the things that we can control. Healing is a long and arduous journey, but we can find that true healing. It is possible. For me it was reading and writing, along with my faith in God. It will look different for everyone. Not everyone enjoys reading and writing, and certainly not everyone agrees on things of a religious nature. What is important, is that you find that something in your life. Find something that truly helps put your trauma behind you. You deserve happiness. You deserve freedom and peace. You deserve love, real love, not the shallow empty love that society tries to shove down our throats. 

Share you stories, speak out. Don’t bottle it up inside, that is what destroys you. Anger, bitterness, and hate, only serves to hurt you. Let it all go. Allow yourself to be free. You deserve that and you owe it to yourself. This can only be accomplished by forgiveness. Forgive yourself for anything that you are blaming yourself for. Forgive those who have wronged you. I know earlier I mentioned having not forgiven everyone, and in some ways I haven’t, in other ways I have. I have learned that forgiveness is a complicated concept. It is a winding path that trips us up. Forgiveness is an ongoing thing. You forgive and then something comes up and you find yourself angry and bitter again. At that point, we need to forgive again. For me, I turn it over to God. For you it may look different. I am not here to get into a debate over God or religion, I am here to show you that there are ways of finding healing. Drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, and other addictions are not the answers. These are unhealthy band-aids that only serve to hurt you and never help you find the healing that you crave and desire. They leave an emptiness in your heart and soul. Be strong. Find that healthy way to fill that empty void that you feel. 

Final note for today. Don’t let those silent tears destroy you. Let it go, rather than keeping those hurts trapped between the pages of a book. Allow yourself to find healing and move on. Keeping them safe inside is not the answer. Sometimes, speaking about our traumas is where we find true healing. Always remember you are not alone and you are loved. For those who just need a listening ear, I am here. For those who believe in a higher being, turn to that for guidance.

I will continue writing about this on my Patreon, on Medium, and on my blog as well. Not all aparts will be available on my blog, so I do encourage people to susbcribe to my Medium and/or my Patreon.

Here is a link to my Medium article https://medium.com/@tpeters745/emotional-abuse-physical-abuse-and-sexual-abuse-finding-healing-through-writing-53e00312d6d8