Interesting Week

Early in the week, but it has certainly been an interesting one so far. Monday started off helping a young writer believe in herself again. Writing can be a lonely business, underappreciated, unless you are the fraction of a percent who make it big. Then went into a day of solving dozens of tech issues, and not selling anything. Then today I woke up to an Instagram message from someone considering suicide who needed someone to talk to. By the grace of God, I was able to help her and be used by God to minister to her. Which led into my taking up an ask for an editor when her book project is complete. Followed by my booking in some more book readings and writing workshops in schools. My October is slammed and November is starting to book up. And the week is only half over. God is good! Can I get an Amen?!!!

Battle of Good and Evil

A poem close to my heart. Written based upon my experience in attempted suicide, that, thankfully, was stopped by the Good Lord. Hope you enjoy and take in the meaning behind the words. 

Battle of Good and Evil

In these times my heart sinks, my mind is filled with dread

Sorrow clouds all my thoughts; my lips can no longer smile

Tears pour down my anguished face as I see the pain of others

My gut is filled with knots and turns from my terrible angst

Trembling I hit the cold ground, weak from desperate sorrow

My feet and legs have lost all will to hold my heavy weight

Hands that no longer hold or grasp; arms that no longer lift

Helplessness fills my very being, unable to give aide

Screams fill my aching ears, my eardrums threatening to burst

Blood encompasses my nostrils, burning itself into my brain

Bitterness lights itself on my tongue, torturing my taste buds

Sourness rapes my mind, forcing its way into my memory

All hope seems lost, faith ebbs, disappearing like smoke

Darkness encompasses the very existence of humanity

Storm clouds fill the sky, swirling in bitter angry circles

The wind whips furiously, dust tears harshly at my face

Death is immanent, roaring like a black train in the night

But wait, all hope may not be lost, some may yet remain

Light bursts through the darkness, piercing the cloud’s heart

Thunder is silenced and lightning out shone by the sunlight

Cutting wind is calmed, replaced with a peaceful silence

The sourness in my memory, overthrown with joyful throngs

The bitterness on my tongue turns to a beautiful sweetness

Scents of flowers creeps into my nostrils, replacing the blood

Joyful cries burst through the screams, ears leaping for joy

Strength comes to my limbs as I push to my feet again

Hands grabbing my sword, arms lifting them high in the air

My gut now untangles its knots, jumping back to life again

Tears of joy rain down my face, glittering in the sun’s rays

A smile breaks my solemn lips, my heart pumping excitedly

We have been freed from our dreadful, painful sorrows

Hope is restored; victory is within our straining grasps

Victory means survival, survival is to live another day

To live another day, is to laugh in the face of immanent death



Thanks for reading. Hope this poem can mean as much to you all as it means to me. As always let me know your thoughts in the comments and feel free to share, just give credit where credit is due. 

Windows: A Look To the Past

A freshly written poem, hot off the press. Difficult to write, but think I finally got it right. A glimpse into my past. Again nothing aimed at causing hard feelings or casting blame. I have dealt with the past, and this is just my brain's way of processing. 

Windows

Look in the window, what do I see?

I see a baby, crying out for some love

Mother there in body, but nothing more

Too depressed to notice the needs of a child

Look in the window, what do I see?

Father struggling, raising kids on his own

Marries again, hoping to find truer love

Mother not there, trapped in a cycle of men

Look in the window, what do I see?

Child gets molested, forced to do what is wrong

Parents in shock, not sure what to do

Lost and ashamed, never speak of the pain

Look away from the window, too much to bear

To much depression, a child so confused

Unsure how to handle the thoughts in his head

This can’t be normal, feeling so alone

Look in the mirror, what do I see?

The same little child, keeping people away

Let no one near, afraid they might see

The monster inside me, the one that I see

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment and let me know your thoughts. Remember if you use this poem, I would appreciate you asking. If you share it, please give credit where credit is due. 

Panic from Within

Was really anxious this morning, and for those who do not suffer from anxiety, I figured I would give some insight into the world of anxiety and mental illness in general. Hope you enjoy my poem.

Panic from Within

A painful twisting knot pressing on my diaphragm

Tightening, gripping, tearing away my breath

A disabling disease, as my brain works against me

A cancer burning through every inch of my body

Stabbing

      Thieving

              Confident

                       Weakening

                                 Destructive

                                          Crippling

                                                  Deadly

Panic sweeps through my veins, muscles clench

Blackness clouds my vision, blurring the world

Spinning, losing control, fighting for my very breath

Drowning

        Gasping

               Fighting

                       Battling

Mind over body, anxiety pushing against reason

Confusion

         Doubt

               Senseless

Powerlessness ripping apart my very existence

I must not give in, reason rushes forward, slicing

Battling back these forces of darkness from within

Light dissipating the fog, casting away the clouds

Anger

     Frustration

                 Bitterness

Winding up its own power, defeating the powerlessness

A sunrise on the horizon, night gives way to none-other-than

Hope

     Faith

          Victory

Life Throws You Curve Balls... Catch Them and Throw Them Back

Life Throws You Curve Balls... Catch Them and Throw Them Back

A different kind of post from me today, a very personal one. I am not posting any of this to garner sympathy. I just hope it helps others, and want everyone to feel free to be open with me, or someone else you feel comfortable with. Be brave enough to get help and admit you cannot heal on your own. All of us, throughout our life, deal with trials and tribulations of differing natures, how we deal and cope with them is the important factor in recovery. Some deal with issues in negative ways, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, anger, pornography, all addictions really, or through self-harm, depression, or even through suicide. What we need to find is a positive outlet for dealing with these issues, Whether it is religion, family, sports, writing, singing, music, or many other methods of finding peace.
Before I get into sharing a VERY condensed version of my own tribulations I will explain how I have dealt with my issues, both the negative and the positive. For many years I dealt with all the crap in my life in negative outlets, as many get trapped into. I believed I was worthless, spun into extreme depression at too many points in my life, went through many periods of self-harm, and attempted/considered suicide numerous times. I have always sabotaged personal relationships, kept everyone at arms-length, and been afraid to let anyone get close to me, which was my brain's way of "protecting" myself from letting those around me hurt me further. Really all of these things just created a chain of pain and agony, further harming myself, in the devil's way of making me feel trapped and alone, which still haunts my life to this day, lacking very many close personal friends.
What I needed to be doing and have been slowly learning to do, is to find positive outlets. Writing has always been a strong outlet, able to confidently say/share what I cannot say out loud. Finding it within myself to allow the woman I now am blessed to call my wife, into my life, is one of the most important things I could have done. This was extremely difficult for me and took a long time to follow through, something I still struggle with today, not being as open as I should. Photography has become an outlet as well for me. Finally admitting I needed help and getting that help through counselors, a psychiatrist, and medication has also been a HUGE help. The biggest thing for me has always been my faith in Christ. Even when I felt at my worst, I always knew God was there with me, carrying me through it all. Philippians 4:12-13 has been a great verse for me in life, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
I will not get into great detail, as I do not want to hurt and cast guilt upon anyone. My health has always been a struggle, and continues to be to this day. I have always gotten sick really easily and still do. Acid re-flux has been with me for decades and has developed into the IBS that I have today, which makes finding the right things to eat a constant struggle, creating a great deal of agony. I also had Osgood's Disease in my knees, which is when the bones in your knee micro-fracture when a person does sports, preventing me from participating in the sports I enjoyed in school. I also developed a heart condition in my late teens, which required 2 procedures to fix, thankfully this has been resolved. A result of this is the chronic pain I get in my ribs daily, but at times it gets unbearable, feeling like someone is taking a bat to your rib cage, and we seem to be at a loss for what to do about it. As well as anxiety-attacks that I battle daily.
Aside from my many health conditions, I dealt with divorce as a child and many feelings of abandonment. To top that off I was molested twice by the age of seven, which is what led to many of my self-harm tendencies and the fear of letting anyone into my life. Touch is something I really struggle with, I don't like/feel comfortable with people touching me, and cringe internally with every contact. A brief summary is all these require, but they led to many suicidal thoughts and one attempt that I will bring up is one that changed my life. At one point I had written a note and was going to drive a knife into my chest, and many may think this is ridiculous, but I can't change the truth. MY arms began to shake as I felt extreme pressure on my arms, like something was holding my arms back. Battling the pressure, a voice popped into my head asking me what I was doing and reassuring me that He loved me. Collapsing to the floor, I just broke down and bawled. I realized that God had plans for my life, and decided at that moment to take my parents up on their offer to pay for Bible school. I believe this was God and an angel preventing me from destroying the temple he had given me. The photo below I took in Stanley Park, Vancouver. It reminds me of the beauty God has created to show us the wonder and peace we can have in our lives, if we give Him control. 

I also am quite OCD about organization and messes, something my children have gladly helped me work my way past. I still get OCD about being dry, I HATE to get wet and the feeling of my skin being damp.
Again this is a very condensed version of all events, but I want others to take comfort in the fact that there is hope. Pain is only momentary, whether emotional, or physical. Our perspective changes the way we choose to shape our lives. Accepting our past, and facing our troubles head on, drives us to claiming back our lives. The pain will always be there, deep within our bodies and minds, but learning how to control this pain and wield it for the better, is the only way to bring about peace in our lives. I have found faith in my Savior to bring about peace, I would encourage all to find a positive way to release your pain, and be constructive, instead of destructive.
With that I bid you good day. And leave you with something I try to remind myself, "Life throws you curve balls...catch them and throw them back".
If anyone needs to discuss their past and ways of moving forward, feel free to message me on Facebook, or email me at tpeters745@hotmail.com with the subject "Life Blog Post".

Darkness

Lately things have been a real battle for me. I have been diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and OCD. None of which really surprised me. I have been struggling with this for a really long time, and am finally getting the help I need. Discussing it with someone else, and seeking help was the single most difficult thing I have ever chosen to do. Wrote the following poem.  

Darkness

Pain, sheer agonizing pain, invisible to the naked eye, yet more devastating than the obvious

Sharp shoots from nerve endings as pricks try to distract and relieve what is trapped within

Wish that physical hurts were enough, but are dim in comparison to decades of trauma

Darkness, sadness, despair, all destructive and yet I embrace them with knowing arms

Light, happiness, hope, all long gone, flittering moments in time, cherished yet forgotten

Locked away within my head, a voice which commands, nay demands to be triumphant

Control must be kept, giving in only in brief moments of weakness, shame swift to follow

Shadows of darkness creeping around the fading edges, nipping at the very heels of sanity

Battle lines drawn, wavering, slowly falling, entrapped by inevitable losses, destroyed

Fear, desperate freezing fear, the unknown future, not trusting the brain to do what’s right

Pain whispers from within, calling out, screaming to be unleashed, set free, chains rattled

Tears, wish they would flow, yet not to be found, long since drained, emptied, dried up

Fingers clawing, grasping for a hold, something to keep afloat, drowning in snaring gloom

Eclipsed, falling into the abyss, lost in the blackness, claustrophobic as the walls close in

Blindness, unable to see a clear path, confused by the thick fogginess covering the road

If anyone else is experiencing depression and wants someone to talk with, please feel free to comment on this with contact info.