Life Throws You Curve Balls... Catch Them and Throw Them Back
A different kind of post from me today, a very personal one. I am not posting any of this to garner sympathy. I just hope it helps others, and want everyone to feel free to be open with me, or someone else you feel comfortable with. Be brave enough to get help and admit you cannot heal on your own. All of us, throughout our life, deal with trials and tribulations of differing natures, how we deal and cope with them is the important factor in recovery. Some deal with issues in negative ways, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling, anger, pornography, all addictions really, or through self-harm, depression, or even through suicide. What we need to find is a positive outlet for dealing with these issues, Whether it is religion, family, sports, writing, singing, music, or many other methods of finding peace.
Before I get into sharing a VERY condensed version of my own tribulations I will explain how I have dealt with my issues, both the negative and the positive. For many years I dealt with all the crap in my life in negative outlets, as many get trapped into. I believed I was worthless, spun into extreme depression at too many points in my life, went through many periods of self-harm, and attempted/considered suicide numerous times. I have always sabotaged personal relationships, kept everyone at arms-length, and been afraid to let anyone get close to me, which was my brain's way of "protecting" myself from letting those around me hurt me further. Really all of these things just created a chain of pain and agony, further harming myself, in the devil's way of making me feel trapped and alone, which still haunts my life to this day, lacking very many close personal friends.
What I needed to be doing and have been slowly learning to do, is to find positive outlets. Writing has always been a strong outlet, able to confidently say/share what I cannot say out loud. Finding it within myself to allow the woman I now am blessed to call my wife, into my life, is one of the most important things I could have done. This was extremely difficult for me and took a long time to follow through, something I still struggle with today, not being as open as I should. Photography has become an outlet as well for me. Finally admitting I needed help and getting that help through counselors, a psychiatrist, and medication has also been a HUGE help. The biggest thing for me has always been my faith in Christ. Even when I felt at my worst, I always knew God was there with me, carrying me through it all. Philippians 4:12-13 has been a great verse for me in life, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
I will not get into great detail, as I do not want to hurt and cast guilt upon anyone. My health has always been a struggle, and continues to be to this day. I have always gotten sick really easily and still do. Acid re-flux has been with me for decades and has developed into the IBS that I have today, which makes finding the right things to eat a constant struggle, creating a great deal of agony. I also had Osgood's Disease in my knees, which is when the bones in your knee micro-fracture when a person does sports, preventing me from participating in the sports I enjoyed in school. I also developed a heart condition in my late teens, which required 2 procedures to fix, thankfully this has been resolved. A result of this is the chronic pain I get in my ribs daily, but at times it gets unbearable, feeling like someone is taking a bat to your rib cage, and we seem to be at a loss for what to do about it. As well as anxiety-attacks that I battle daily.
Aside from my many health conditions, I dealt with divorce as a child and many feelings of abandonment. To top that off I was molested twice by the age of seven, which is what led to many of my self-harm tendencies and the fear of letting anyone into my life. Touch is something I really struggle with, I don't like/feel comfortable with people touching me, and cringe internally with every contact. A brief summary is all these require, but they led to many suicidal thoughts and one attempt that I will bring up is one that changed my life. At one point I had written a note and was going to drive a knife into my chest, and many may think this is ridiculous, but I can'
t change the truth. MY arms began to shake as I felt extreme pressure on my arms, like something was holding my arms back. Battling the pressure, a voice popped into my head asking me what I was doing and reassuring me that He loved me. Collapsing to the floor, I just broke down and bawled. I realized that God had plans for my life, and decided at that moment to take my parents up on their offer to pay for Bible school. I believe this was God and an angel preventing me from destroying the temple he had given me. The photo below I took in Stanley Park, Vancouver. It reminds me of the beauty God has created to show us the wonder and peace we can have in our lives, if we give Him control.
I also am quite OCD about organization and messes, something my children have gladly helped me work my way past. I still get OCD about being dry, I HATE to get wet and the feeling of my skin being damp.
Again this is a very condensed version of all events, but I want others to take comfort in the fact that there is hope. Pain is only momentary, whether emotional, or physical. Our perspective changes the way we choose to shape our lives. Accepting our past, and facing our troubles head on, drives us to claiming back our lives. The pain will always be there, deep within our bodies and minds, but learning how to control this pain and wield it for the better, is the only way to bring about peace in our lives. I have found faith in my Savior to bring about peace, I would encourage all to find a positive way to release your pain, and be constructive, instead of destructive.
With that I bid you good day. And leave you with something I try to remind myself, "Life throws you curve balls...catch them and throw them back".
If anyone needs to discuss their past and ways of moving forward, feel free to message me on Facebook, or email me at tpeters745@hotmail.com with the subject "Life Blog Post".
